A Letter to Rick

Dear Rick,

Hear it is almost 11 months since you have been gone. I am not doing well tonight. I'm not sure if you're interested in what I have to say, but I need to tell someone.

Everyday is hard--extremely hard. The girls are doing remarkably well, but they bicker constantly. It is wearing on my nerves. It is everyday! I know when you were here with us, you didn't like to hear about this, but I don't know what to do. I am trying my hardest to raise our girls to be compassionate, respectful and courteous young ladies. For the most part they are. I feel for them, actually. They are feeling stuff that no child should ever have to feel. They are mourning. I think sometimes I forget that--not purposely, though. I think sometimes, I get so wrapped up in trying to be a "good" mom, that I forget they are missing you. That's it--they just miss you. As do I!

They are doing great in school. All their assignments are turned in on time. They did each miss oneday of school here within the last couple of weeks. There was a bug going around and they caught it. It wasn't too bad, though--a slight fever and a sore throat. Thankfully, I haven't gotten it. I'm not allowed to get sick--according to the girls.

Shelby told me the other day that she does not like the fact that I sleep so much. On the weekends, I am usually up late and sleep in very late. Technically, I'm not sleeping--I am just in bed. I have no energy anymore--it's gone. The sheets do not get washed weekly like they used to. To be honest with you, I can't tell yo the last time the sheets on our bed were washed. Pretty sad, huh? I have been keeping up with the regular laundry, though. It appears that our daughters have their favorite pants they like to wear to school. So, therefore, they get washed often. They are in charge of putting their own clothes away. This is a battle with Shelby, though. She'd rather leave them lying around then put them away. I am slowly accepting this free spititedness of hers. She is so much like you. Sydney is pretty good about it, though. I get the hangers down and she puts the clothes on them. Then I hang them up. Sometimes Shelby will help me out there. I'd say within another year or so, she'll be able to reach up to hang them herself.

I haven't spoken to anyone from your side of the family--at all. I take that back, I talk to Ryan--not enough, though. I respect that he has his own family and is busy, but it would be nice to talk to him more often. Tammy wants nothing to do with us. I don't know what I did to make her hate me. As for your brother, mother or anyone else--they have deemed me "the witch." It is me that they blame for your death. I'm not sure exactly why they blame me--except for the fact that they must blame someone. Your mom has tried to mail our daughters cards for Christmas and for Sydney's birthday. I marked "return to sender" on them. The girls know about this, too. I have hid nothing from them. I'm sorry if this bothers you, but your mom can not expect to disregard me which in turn is disregarding you and expect to have a "relationship" with our daughters. She at no time has tried to call them or even stop by. She, your dad and sister have been in Lancaster on several occasions and have not bothered to call or stop by. Their feelings of hatred toward me are so strong, that they have chosen to let it get in the way of any relationship they could've had with our daughters. I'm sure this is hurtful to you and I apologize. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But, you need to know the facts. I am doing what is best for Shelby & Sydney.

I miss you everyday. I miss being able to call you and talk about everything and talk about nothing. The girls miss you, too. Shelby still asks if you're really gone. I tell her, in fact--yes you are. That there would be nothing that would keep you away from her and her sister! Her faith is being tested greatly as is mine. I know where you are and that all is well, but living here without you is the hardest thing I have had to do. I don't like it at all. I'd give anything to have you home with us.

On a very personal note--I am so sorry that I hurt you! If I could take it all back, I would! You, at no time deserved anything that I did. I can't tell you why I acted as I did. I know it is in the past, but that does not make me feel any better. I am so thankful, though--that you and I were in a "good" place when you left. Please know this--I love you!

I looked at the clock and noted it's getting close to Sydney's bedtime. I should get going then. I have more to write about, though. I will try to write more later or sometime soon. I love you!

Your wife,
Toni