For Toni
I haven't written in a long time... Tragedy and pain make for unexpected muses...
The Hollow by Michele Schottelkorb
Beautifully broken busted disaster
The sparkle gone from fiery orbs
Replaced with sorrow, mourning and grief
Her best friend stolen in the blink of an eye
"You weren't supposed to leave me
How could you leave me?"
Cigarette laced garage dreams
Her nightly gaze upon fleece remnants
Two wee people hug towels and pillows
She screams into a t-shirt without a home
"It wasn't supposed to be this way
How could it be this way?"
Misgivings and memories
Are her life-line now…
Eight months out
And the river runs red
"We had so many things to finish
Why did Time not allow us to finish?"
Each day a task
If you didn't pause
You'd miss this beautiful disaster
This bomb without a pin
"I dream of you
When can I see you again?"
To see, really see,
The Hollow that has been left
Empty hole with no bottom
Is to really know empathy"
I know I'm thin/tired/scared/petulant
Did you know my Husband was killed?
Do you care?"
What becomes of the forgotten?
Who holds the hand of the bereaved?
Have you seen my friend today?
Do you even care?
"I will raise our daughters as we would
I know you'd be here, if you could."
11/30/2008
Author's Note: My friend's Husband was killed on April 5th of this year... He leaves behind a widow and two small girls... I have witnessed their pain daily... This poem is for her...
Once Upon a Time
My 22nd Birthday
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Seven Months Ago
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Seven months ago tonight--at this time; I was crying with my daughters, trying to comfort them as best I could. Their father had been killed just a few hours earlier.
It was Saturday, April 5. Rick had texted me about 10 that morning to say "G'Mornin'." I texted him back, "Mornin'." I texted him and asked him to call on the land line so the girls could say good morning, too. He texted back and said he was getting ready to leave for the store; he'd call once he got going.
Rick called about 10:30 and talked to the girls, then to me. I asked him if he wanted to go to church that night with us? He said most likely he would, but he wanted to get home first, shower and grab something to eat--if he didn't make it back in time, he'd meet us there.
We went about our Saturday afternoon as usual. I took a shower. The girls were on the computer. I did a couple loads of laundry. We spoke to Rick around 2-2:30 that afternoon. He was clocking out and would just meet us at church. He was going to take his time coming home. He said there too many idiots on the road already.
The girls and I left for church about 5:45. We were seated and I turned the ringer off on my phone and left it sitting on the pew--figuring Rick would text me when he got home. I received a call about 6:40, but didn't answer it--church was just finishing up. The girls and I walked out to the van and got in. I checked my voice mail. There was a message from a deputy from the Lancaster station telling me I needed to call the hospital. That was it. So, I called the number he left in the message. A woman on the phone informed me that Rick had been involved in an accident and had been killed. I went back into the church and looked for my pastor. I sent a friend out to my van to stay with the girls. I found my pastor. I was crying. I told him Rick was dead. I called the hospital back and was told the same thing I was just told 5 minutes prior. I didn't believe it. Now, I had to tell our daughters that their daddy was dead.
We (pastor, two friends and I) took the girls into the church office, sat them down and told them. I had stopped crying. I did not want to frighten them. Shelby's only question was--did her dad go to heaven? Pastor told her, absolutely. They cried. We walked out to the van. I needed to get to home. My one friend followed us home and kept the girls occupied while I made the phone calls.
I called my mom first. My friend Morgan second--she could come stay with me 'til my mom got here. I called Rick's son Ryan in Colorado. I asked him if he wanted me to call his sister--he said he would. I called Rick's brother--asked him if he wanted me to call their parents--he said he would. I called Michele--couldn't get a hold of her--left a voice mail. Rick's brother called me back and asked if there was a number he could call to get more information. I said, No--I told him everything I knew. He never asked about his nieces. To be honest with you, I don't know who else I called after that. I was numb. I was heart broken for our babies.
The girls waited for Grammie (my Mom) to get there before they finally nodded off to sleep. I didn't sleep that night. I don't know what I did.
People often speak of hell on Earth. I have been there. I don't like it. I don't want it anymore.
I am a widow at 36. My daughters have no father. Shelby is 9 and Sydney is 6.
Seven months ago tonight--at this time; I was crying with my daughters, trying to comfort them as best I could. Their father had been killed just a few hours earlier.
It was Saturday, April 5. Rick had texted me about 10 that morning to say "G'Mornin'." I texted him back, "Mornin'." I texted him and asked him to call on the land line so the girls could say good morning, too. He texted back and said he was getting ready to leave for the store; he'd call once he got going.
Rick called about 10:30 and talked to the girls, then to me. I asked him if he wanted to go to church that night with us? He said most likely he would, but he wanted to get home first, shower and grab something to eat--if he didn't make it back in time, he'd meet us there.
We went about our Saturday afternoon as usual. I took a shower. The girls were on the computer. I did a couple loads of laundry. We spoke to Rick around 2-2:30 that afternoon. He was clocking out and would just meet us at church. He was going to take his time coming home. He said there too many idiots on the road already.
The girls and I left for church about 5:45. We were seated and I turned the ringer off on my phone and left it sitting on the pew--figuring Rick would text me when he got home. I received a call about 6:40, but didn't answer it--church was just finishing up. The girls and I walked out to the van and got in. I checked my voice mail. There was a message from a deputy from the Lancaster station telling me I needed to call the hospital. That was it. So, I called the number he left in the message. A woman on the phone informed me that Rick had been involved in an accident and had been killed. I went back into the church and looked for my pastor. I sent a friend out to my van to stay with the girls. I found my pastor. I was crying. I told him Rick was dead. I called the hospital back and was told the same thing I was just told 5 minutes prior. I didn't believe it. Now, I had to tell our daughters that their daddy was dead.
We (pastor, two friends and I) took the girls into the church office, sat them down and told them. I had stopped crying. I did not want to frighten them. Shelby's only question was--did her dad go to heaven? Pastor told her, absolutely. They cried. We walked out to the van. I needed to get to home. My one friend followed us home and kept the girls occupied while I made the phone calls.
I called my mom first. My friend Morgan second--she could come stay with me 'til my mom got here. I called Rick's son Ryan in Colorado. I asked him if he wanted me to call his sister--he said he would. I called Rick's brother--asked him if he wanted me to call their parents--he said he would. I called Michele--couldn't get a hold of her--left a voice mail. Rick's brother called me back and asked if there was a number he could call to get more information. I said, No--I told him everything I knew. He never asked about his nieces. To be honest with you, I don't know who else I called after that. I was numb. I was heart broken for our babies.
The girls waited for Grammie (my Mom) to get there before they finally nodded off to sleep. I didn't sleep that night. I don't know what I did.
People often speak of hell on Earth. I have been there. I don't like it. I don't want it anymore.
I am a widow at 36. My daughters have no father. Shelby is 9 and Sydney is 6.
6 Months 5 Days
Friday, October 10, 2008
Well, it's been 6 months and 5 days. I feel no differently than I did 6 months ago. I don't cry as much. My heart is still broken. My daughters still cry at night--not like they used to, though. It's more intense now as reality is setting in and daddy is not coming back.
I exist simply to take care of our daughters. I can't tell you the last time I laughed. I can tell you the last time I cried--that's easy--it's everyday.
I eat only when I have to. I bathe only when I have to. I have no one to call 15 times a day anymore. I don't have him.
I'm ready to boycott the holidays.
My older daughter kisses me one extra time at night before bed "just in case." Just in case I don't wake up or she doesn't. She's afraid of life. She knows that it can change instantly and for no reason--with no good byes--with no explanation.
Why? I still haven't found the purpose for all this "living stuff." Our reality is--life is taken in seconds without you having a say so--with no choice. Then we must continue to live and be surrounded by ignorant people who don't get it and who choose not to learn and choose not be educated about people like "us."
We don't belong anymore. We are not like you.
Rick's mother blames me for his death. "RICK IS GONE & THAT IS THANKS TO YOU." Try living with that.
It's Friday night--at least Rick is safe from the winds!
Well, it's been 6 months and 5 days. I feel no differently than I did 6 months ago. I don't cry as much. My heart is still broken. My daughters still cry at night--not like they used to, though. It's more intense now as reality is setting in and daddy is not coming back.
I exist simply to take care of our daughters. I can't tell you the last time I laughed. I can tell you the last time I cried--that's easy--it's everyday.
I eat only when I have to. I bathe only when I have to. I have no one to call 15 times a day anymore. I don't have him.
I'm ready to boycott the holidays.
My older daughter kisses me one extra time at night before bed "just in case." Just in case I don't wake up or she doesn't. She's afraid of life. She knows that it can change instantly and for no reason--with no good byes--with no explanation.
Why? I still haven't found the purpose for all this "living stuff." Our reality is--life is taken in seconds without you having a say so--with no choice. Then we must continue to live and be surrounded by ignorant people who don't get it and who choose not to learn and choose not be educated about people like "us."
We don't belong anymore. We are not like you.
Rick's mother blames me for his death. "RICK IS GONE & THAT IS THANKS TO YOU." Try living with that.
It's Friday night--at least Rick is safe from the winds!
A Widow's Confession
Saturday, September 13, 2008
*Hair doesn't get any oilier--even after a week without washing it.
*Haven't had to buy new razors in over 4 months.
*My kids no longer ask "what's for dinner?" They ask "where are we going for dinner?"
*If it doesn't have a drive thru, not eating from there.
*I've cooked 2 meals in the last 5 months. Does mac & cheese count?
*You're to replace your toothbursh every 3 months--I guess you have to use it first.
*Thank goodness for gum.
*The girls and I have decided to give our dust bunnies names.
*I can tell you what's on TV Land at 3 in the morning without consulting the guide first.
*I wear the same 3 pair of shorts weekly. I feel as though I have to hide my "skinnyness" which is almost daily brought to my attention. I know y'all--I look in the mirror when I have to.
*I enjoy doing my lawns, but feel guilty, because it's time I'm not spending with my daughters.
*I hate the question "How ya doing?" Do you really want to know?
*I cry everday.
*Weekends--not out of bed before 2 pm.
*I go to church because I have to.
*Listening to women talk about their husbands--hurts.
*Listening to women complain about their husbands--hurts worse.
*I haven't talked to my best friend in over 5 months.
*Forwarded emails about men/husbands--not funny anymore
*I never tell my daughters, "I'll see you later." It may not happen.
*I am extremely disappointed in people
*It's hard to ask for help
*I make sure the last thing I tell my daughters--when dropping them off at school and putting them to bed is "I Love You."
5 Months Today
Friday, September 05, 2008
It's 5 months today that Rick was killed. That is how time is told now. I am on two widows message boards and at first I thought it was just me telling time this way. I am not alone. Those that have lost their spouse--even after one year, 18 months, two years--this is how time is told. You never forget; you never heal.
I feel as though I am simply going through the motions--doing only what I have to do. You see, there is nothing that I want to do.
I thought with school starting that I'd be going to bed earlier. I can't manage to get to bed before 2 am. It's not that I'm not tired; I don't want to see the images my mind won't let go of--Rick on his Harley. What were his last thoughts? It's not just bed time, it's nap time, too. Whenever my mind is not having to think, it goes to Rick's last minutes. These thoughts and images frighten me; imagine what he must have been feeling? I have heard that there is no horror in death, but to see what he saw--how scared he must have been. That is why the minutes before sleep is so painful.
Today, before I picked up the girls from school, I drove to the firehouse where Capt. John Ellis worked. He was killed about one month ago riding his Harley--a truck pulled out in front of him. He was only 55. I left a note with one of the firefighters there with my name and number on it. I explained who I was and that if Mrs. Ellis needed to talk to anyone, I wish she'd call me. If she chose not to, I understood that, too. For she is only 1 month out and may not want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to relay that I could understand what she was going through. I cried for the few minutes I was there. Then I had to put on the "I'm fine" face to pick up the girls from school.
That is it. I'm 5 months along on this journey. I am not happy; I am not sad; I am simply--here. This "new normal" that is spoken of so much, SUCKS! You wouldn't know it though--would you?
It's 5 months today that Rick was killed. That is how time is told now. I am on two widows message boards and at first I thought it was just me telling time this way. I am not alone. Those that have lost their spouse--even after one year, 18 months, two years--this is how time is told. You never forget; you never heal.
I feel as though I am simply going through the motions--doing only what I have to do. You see, there is nothing that I want to do.
I thought with school starting that I'd be going to bed earlier. I can't manage to get to bed before 2 am. It's not that I'm not tired; I don't want to see the images my mind won't let go of--Rick on his Harley. What were his last thoughts? It's not just bed time, it's nap time, too. Whenever my mind is not having to think, it goes to Rick's last minutes. These thoughts and images frighten me; imagine what he must have been feeling? I have heard that there is no horror in death, but to see what he saw--how scared he must have been. That is why the minutes before sleep is so painful.
Today, before I picked up the girls from school, I drove to the firehouse where Capt. John Ellis worked. He was killed about one month ago riding his Harley--a truck pulled out in front of him. He was only 55. I left a note with one of the firefighters there with my name and number on it. I explained who I was and that if Mrs. Ellis needed to talk to anyone, I wish she'd call me. If she chose not to, I understood that, too. For she is only 1 month out and may not want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to relay that I could understand what she was going through. I cried for the few minutes I was there. Then I had to put on the "I'm fine" face to pick up the girls from school.
That is it. I'm 5 months along on this journey. I am not happy; I am not sad; I am simply--here. This "new normal" that is spoken of so much, SUCKS! You wouldn't know it though--would you?
I Can't. . .
Friday, July 25, 2008
I can't do this anymore, pretending that I'm ok. I miss Rick too much and it hurts really, really bad. I miss his voice, his laugh, his kisses, his hands, his lips, him sitting with the girls, taking them in the pool--just being in the other room. I haven't been able to stop crying for the past 2 days. How am I to raise our daughters when I am unable to function for the basic things and I can't even stop crying? I know I'm a huge disappointment to our girls. How can they understand what I'm going through when they don't understand what they're going through? How am I to help them when I can't get through my own feelings? How am I to pretend that everything is ok when it's not? How am I to tell our children when they're missing their daddy that oneday it won't hurt this much? It hasn't stop hurting!! All everyday is--another day without Rick.
I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. The girls had Vacation Bible School this week (which is also where my girls to to school and we go to church); taking them and picking them up was hard. I don't want people asking me how I'm doing. Do they really want to know--or is this their way of simply acknowledging me? I don't want people looking at me and commenting on how skinny I am and telling me I need to eat. I don't want people telling me to "let them know if there's anything they can do to help" in such a casual manner--knowing damn good and well they don't mean it. I hate all that.
I am taking zero pleasure in life right now. I'm not happy, I'm irritable, easily annoyed with anything and everything, I want to do nothing--absolutley nothing. I'm jealous of people that have a complete family. Taking the girls to VBS was hard--hard seeing all the dads there--knowing my girls don't have one anymore. It's not fair!! What did my children do to have to go through this?
Personally, I'm tired of hearing about all this "bigger plan" bullsh*t that God has for us. And everything happens for a reason. What could possibly make all this hurt and pain--good? What? What? What? Nothing! That's what! Abso=freak=in=lute=ly nothing! I am true believer in God and I know that Rick is with Him in Heaven, but I have a whole bunch of questions I want answered. If God sees us in this much pain, why does He let us go through it? Yeah, yeah, I know--He answers all prayers and questions in His time, not ours. Dammit though, I don't think I can do this much longer without knowing something. I finally understand how people can die from a broken heart. That's where I feel I'm going sometimes. I want to be here for our girls, yes, but when does it get better? How can I be a good mom to them anymore with not wanting to get up, brush my teeth, shower, etc? What kind of example is that setting? How are they to get through all this when I can't?
I can't do this anymore, pretending that I'm ok. I miss Rick too much and it hurts really, really bad. I miss his voice, his laugh, his kisses, his hands, his lips, him sitting with the girls, taking them in the pool--just being in the other room. I haven't been able to stop crying for the past 2 days. How am I to raise our daughters when I am unable to function for the basic things and I can't even stop crying? I know I'm a huge disappointment to our girls. How can they understand what I'm going through when they don't understand what they're going through? How am I to help them when I can't get through my own feelings? How am I to pretend that everything is ok when it's not? How am I to tell our children when they're missing their daddy that oneday it won't hurt this much? It hasn't stop hurting!! All everyday is--another day without Rick.
I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. The girls had Vacation Bible School this week (which is also where my girls to to school and we go to church); taking them and picking them up was hard. I don't want people asking me how I'm doing. Do they really want to know--or is this their way of simply acknowledging me? I don't want people looking at me and commenting on how skinny I am and telling me I need to eat. I don't want people telling me to "let them know if there's anything they can do to help" in such a casual manner--knowing damn good and well they don't mean it. I hate all that.
I am taking zero pleasure in life right now. I'm not happy, I'm irritable, easily annoyed with anything and everything, I want to do nothing--absolutley nothing. I'm jealous of people that have a complete family. Taking the girls to VBS was hard--hard seeing all the dads there--knowing my girls don't have one anymore. It's not fair!! What did my children do to have to go through this?
Personally, I'm tired of hearing about all this "bigger plan" bullsh*t that God has for us. And everything happens for a reason. What could possibly make all this hurt and pain--good? What? What? What? Nothing! That's what! Abso=freak=in=lute=ly nothing! I am true believer in God and I know that Rick is with Him in Heaven, but I have a whole bunch of questions I want answered. If God sees us in this much pain, why does He let us go through it? Yeah, yeah, I know--He answers all prayers and questions in His time, not ours. Dammit though, I don't think I can do this much longer without knowing something. I finally understand how people can die from a broken heart. That's where I feel I'm going sometimes. I want to be here for our girls, yes, but when does it get better? How can I be a good mom to them anymore with not wanting to get up, brush my teeth, shower, etc? What kind of example is that setting? How are they to get through all this when I can't?
6 Feet
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I finally received the police report today. It took "only" 3 1/2 months to get.
According to the report Kelinsky (the woman driver) was driving her Honda Odyssey in the #1(left lane) lane of the westbound 210 freeway at an unknown speed. She was looking at her navigation system and saw that she needed to exit at Fair Oaks Ave. According to the report she does not remember what she did in the process of trying to make her way to the right onto the off ramp. If I'm reading the report correctly, a cell phone was also in use.
Witness 1 (Parahjan) was traveling in the 2 (right lane) lane westbound on the 210. He was appoximately 50 feet behind Rick. Parahjan was traveling about 60 mph. He saw Kelinsky in the 1(left lane) lane make a sudden lane change into the 2 lane appoximatley 6 ft. in front of Rick. Kelinsky applied her brakes as did Rick. Rick hit the back of her van, was ejected from the bike and flew about 50 ft. through the air before he touched down. Parahjan immediately stopped his car to shield Rick from traffic. Kelinsky had her two sons in the car with her, ages 14 & 16. She is 49 yrs. old.
I don't know how to feel at this time. I don't know how to feel about this woman. In my heart, I know it was truly an accident, but that does not diminish the fact that because of her negligence, my husband and my daughters' daddy was killed. She is being brought up on involuntary vehicular manslaughter charges--only a misdemeanor in the state of California.
Rick didn't have a chance. Had he been in his car, he still wouldn't have a had a chance. She cut him off by only 6 ft. I'm nearly that tall. The irony is, throughout the report and the autopsy report, it is commented that Rick was not wearing a DOT approved helmet. No biker wears a DOT approved helmet--at least bikers on Harleys. His helmet was intact. Did you read that correctly? Minimal damage to his helmet. So, it doesn't matter the type of helmet he was wearing. Rick was simply on his way home from work, to meet us at church and his life was taken by a careless driver. That pisses me off to no end! I feel for the person that will catch me when the anger really hits.
Whatever happend to paying attention when you drove a car? People are fixated with this imaginary comfort zone in their cars. Cars are lethal weapons. With all the new technology coming out for drivers and their passengers, it's a wonder anyone survives driving at all? Laws are there for a reason. Like this new cell phone law? I still see people holding their cell phones to their ears. Do they not get it? No they don't. It amazes me that we have survived year after year without cell phones, GPS systems, dvd players, etc. But all it takes, is ONE time, just one time for a "wonderful" technological device to assist in the taking of a man's life.
Question? When driving to an unfamiliar place or in an unfamiliar area, how many of you turn the car radio down? Did you know that one must actually think do drive? It's not something we should do out of habit--most drivers do though. We get too comfortable in our cars, not thinking about the responsibility you take on everytime you get behind the wheel.
Again, I don't know how I'm feeling at this point. I'm sure if this woman is any type of real human, with feelings--she's in her own hell right now. I wonder if she has difficulty sleeping at night? I'm concerned as to how this may affect her children. Right now, though--I am more concerned with my children and how they are dealing with their daddy not living here with us anymore. It is heart wrenching and thee most painful thing to go through--to see and hear your own children cry and miss their daddy as badly as my girls do--because of a simple, stupid and yet preventable mistake.
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